Aibu to expect my husband to manage work/life better or is this normal?

[chailatte85]

I am wondering if I’m BU here as my husband says I am.
With the weather being so good yesterday I decided I’d do a bbq so I went and bought all the food, salads ect and prepped so that I could stick it on when my husband got home. He knew I was doing a bbq as I had checked with him. I even picked up a bottle of wine and made up a few different salads ect. Kids were excited too.
My husband got home from work about 18:30 and within minutes has to take an important work call to try fix something. This call went on for over an hour in the kitchen where I was trying to get sorted and I ended up having to feed the kids their food as it was getting late.
I understand some things happen ect but it’s becoming a more regular occurrence with him. A few weeks ago we were leaving to watch our DDs perform in a show and he had his laptop with him as he had offered to do on-call for someone. The other morning he took a call at 6am and proceeded to try solve the issue whilst I was trying to sleep instead of going downstairs. Another time I booked an expensive restaurent for his birthday and whilst we were waiting at the bar he left for another 40 minutes to take a call.
He claims he’s a manager and it’s expected of him. I work too but my job mainly finishes when I finish.
I wasn’t happy yesterday and told him this and also highlighted how on Mondays he goes to the gym and Tuesday he manages to go for a long run after work and somehow those days never get affected by work calls or he will call them back afterwards. It then became a huge argument where he said I brought down the mood of the whole bbq instead of just enjoying it.
I also highlighted to him how he can plan things with his friends for example he’s out this weekend for a night out, and then he’s away in two weeks for a night away but not once has he booked any time off whilst the kids are on their summer holidays to do something with them despite talking last month of doing a beach day or taking our oldest ds and his friends to play golf.
Maybe it is the norm but I think what got me yesterday was I just see loads of friends/families and neighbours out and about together as a family enjoying the good weather whereas I don’t feel I have that with my husband.

Yes that's poor of him. The examples you've given as him prioritising himself. It doesnt sound like work life imbalance but him thinking only of himself - why do run and gym days mean he can reschedule work calls but family days are all impacted.
How old are your children? Do you work as well?

My children are between 7,8 and 13 and I work 3 days a week

There was a post this week about the husband staying indoors gaming and xbox and not taking part in family life. Someone said her husband had grown up not doing family days out.
Maybe that is your husband too - does not know how to be present with wife and kids.

Some of that yes. But honestly having been in a management position I have frequently had to take calls at all times of day or night even when at times I really didn’t want to that went on for ages. It’s an issue with the organisation usually. But I would get out of bed to take the call or would make salads while I spoke.

None of can answer because some jobs do come with that level of disruption
in my old job our manager was pretty much on call 24/7
tbf his pay sort of reflected that and it’s an late of his job expectation

I’d interrupt any work call that isn’t taken in a private room.

Any lost family time comes from his personal time. That will stop the non essential shit.

Your oldest is 13 so how is this only an issue now?

This isn’t new. I had a grandparent he behaved in a similar manner the 80s the truth was he just wasn’t very good at his job and he couldn’t get it done in the allocated 37 1/2 hours so we’d end up working Saturdays and Sunday mornings and then of course they’re resentful because they haven’t had any time off and prioritise themselves as a result.
Is he working at a higher level than he can realistically manage? Do you think?

Yes, in some industries he would be expected to be available. It depends on his salary though because for that level of availability he needs to be on a very good wage.

He doesn’t get to disturb family life with these calls though. So he should not be taking a call in the bedroom or the kitchen, he should be going somewhere quiet (better for his work to actually hear him and better for family). I would say for the DDs dance recital, that should have been one that he called back afterwards, like he does with him gym sessions and runs. It might not work for every family meal and probably saw the bbq as normal. Maybe you could ask that two nights a week he is present for meals (phone turned on silent and away) and can deal with work after.

Not being able to book time with his kids is just weaponised incompetence. Except you know he can do these things not only for himself but at work (otherwise he wouldn’t be getting all these calls). He just can’t be arsed.

He sounds similar to my husband. Does he work in IT? If so, the ground is very shaky at the moment with the rise of AI (although that bubble will burst sometime in the next 18 months as it’s too expensive to keep running things like Claude) and he may just be trying to keep his bosses sweet, doing extra OT etc. My husband volunteered for all the OT he can get at the moment, so he can try and build a little cushion for when AI does pop.
It sounds like he’s in management, which is a bit of an issue because obviously there is stuff that’s important, but nothing should come before the children. he should not be taking work calls in areas of the house that are “communal” regardless. But if his pay reflects it, you have to take the rough with the smooth.

Well as you've said OP, it doesn't impact on what HE wants to do, just family time so he's telling you loud and clear what his priorities are.

He sounds very selfish. He needs to step up, especiallywith the summer holidays coming up.

@ToffeePennie yes he does work in IT 🫣

Sounds like he wants out of family life if his work only interrupts time with you and his kids.

I agree with this, my DH is in a similar role. He's a lead manager in a 24/7 operation so he does get the odd call if something has gone wrong and they need his input to fix it. He also does on call for the whole site one weekend in 4.

If he gets a call we tend to just carry on with our plans so dinner would have been cooked and eaten and his left on the side for when he was finished the call. We were away at the weekend and were having a coffee in the hotel when he got a message and had to go make a call, I just continued drinking my coffee and people watched for a bit. If it's going to be a long call he would move into another room so we don't get disturbed or need to keep quiet.

I'm lucky that while we both earn similar, my job tends to finish when I log off and it's very rare that I'd need to take a call or log back on. It's just the nature of the sectors we work in.

Unless your DH is getting involved in stuff that he doesn't need to be doing then I reckon it comes with the job. He could be more organised and not agree to be on call when he knows he's got an event to attend, unless there's no other option. If we were going out for a meal he'd switch his work phone off and check it when he got home.

There was always a level of being available required in the last few years but lately it has become increasingly more and more. We used to go for walks in the evening with the kids and dog but that doesn’t happen anymore. He doesn’t take annual leave unless we are going away he takes adhoc days for planned events like day after marathon to recover ect, Christmas week to catch up with people.

I think you may be unreasonable - but obviously can't say for sure. For years I have worked in IT in a financial organisation. Honestly, it is hard - calls at 2am, 7am, any time something goes wrong. I am fine with it because it pays very well, however both DH and my kids were understanding of it and knew we had the money we did largely due to the crazy schedule.

It reminds me of that saying that some men like to have a wife and kids but don’t want to be a husband and father.

The selective nature of being available for work when it’s family time but not when it’s his time or friends time is very poor. I wouldn’t be happy at all.

Yes but are you only available when it clashes with family time but not when it clashes with gym time or time with friends. And do you take calls so they are annoying for the family or do you go into another room so as not to wake them or bother them?

You are not wrong. I’d say I dont think you really considered my viewpoint the other day, you got defensive and angry. Remember I have a job too. From now on you can demonstrate that your job may be inflexible, as you tell me, but your family and wife are your priority, so for every evening you skip with us or cancel on with your family or me, I’ll go out to the gym or friends on your gym night and you can do the solo parenting you leave me to do. You’re not prioritising your children or me but you’re certainly prioritising yourself and you know it , you are just too uncomfortable to say it out loud because you know what it says about you as a person. I no longer accept this. If we split there wouldn’t be a wife in the house to pick up your slack on your contact time and you’d discover you can’t do extra at work or get to the gym whenever you want, you have to fit all of those into your non family time. Tuesday night (is that gym night) I’ll be out and when you’ve got them to bed and cleaned up you can reflect on why work never invades your personal time, why you deflect it onto things that don’t matter to you- which is us.

I think everyone saying it comes with the job is missing the point that it only seems to come with the job when he’s supposed to be doing something for or with his wife/ family. When it’s something he specifically wants to do like his runs or his time out with friends, suddenly he’s able to not take the call.

My husband works in IT too, he has this tendency at times and if there’s something that really needs sorting I understand of course. I wouldn’t have him taking over family space in the house though. Until last year we lived in a tiny house with our DD, he worked from our bedroom and would get up and start way before his contracted time because that’s just how he is, but it was awful not having a bedroom space to just relax in or feel like I wasn’t in the way of his work.

The very first time he got stressy about toddler DD being noisy or whatever at home I laid down the law pretty hard. This isn’t an office or a workplace; it’s our family’s home. If you can’t work whilst our child is at home/ family life is happening you need to either go into head office every day to work from there, rent another workspace for yourself or agree to move to a bigger house where you can have your own office. To be fair he did get that and never complained again, but we went for the third option eventually and it has made life a lot easier. I wonder @chailatte85 if your husband thinks he’s proving some kind of point about how busy and important he is by insisting on taking these calls in front of you rather than going somewhere private? Does he have a space he could use for such things?

Did he take calls during marathon training?

In my house, I wouldn’t bat an eyelid at what you’ve mentioned as our norm is way beyond what you describe. He does sound very selfish however, and I think it’s clear that your family life has slipped down his list of priorities.

I think you need to calmly explain to him how it’s making you feel and lay out your expectations. Truthfully though, if this is his career and he’s not willing to change roles (if that’s even an option), then you’re going to have to suck it up or leave.

I definitely think a good starting point is the days off in the Summer to take the kids to do what he’s promised.

I was going to say how some jobs are just like that ... until I got to the part where this magically doesn't seem to happen on any of his leisure time. That's the issue. I don't know what advice to give – he either sees it or he doesn't. If he doesn't see it, then his consciousness to it can be raised, but only when he is defences are down. If he does see it but simply doesn't care, then you can't do much with that.

You're not wrong.

Well, if he's working, he's working. Not every job can just allow you to clock off bang on 5pm. It's not as if he's in the pub, or playing golf, he's working.

If you're right that he has a pattern of letting work encroach on family time but not letting it encroach on his hobbies or time with his friends, then he's showing you exactly where his priorities lie