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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Anyone up? Feeling like a failure

65 replies

Northernlights19 · Today 02:06

Hi all, I've come to temporary accommodation today because I just can't afford the increase in rent. It's a travelodge for now but at least we have a roof over our heads.
I just feel like I've failed my children. My daughters dad told me I should kill myself. I should be able to provide a stable home. Everything is just so expensive, especially when you're by yourself.

I don't even know what my aibu is or whatever. I'd just like some support if anyone is around.

OP posts:
ThankYouNigel · Today 04:36

I’m really sorry to read about your situation. The cost of living, especially in recent years, is a disgrace in the UK, and hits families especially hard. Rents are extremely expensive, as is food, petrol, bills, everything. Things will get there again for you, but it is awful to hear about rent going up in the first place. You are not a failure, your children are loved and will feel safe together with you wherever you are. Wishing you well, take care.

TokyoTantrum · Today 04:59

You're not a failure for ending up in temporary accommodation. Your country has failed you, by not providing enough social housing and allowing houses to become commodities and retirement pots for landlords, instead of homes.

And your ex is horrible. Maybe he should take his own advice.

Take a look at resources (like the gingerbread ones linked above) and see if there's anything that can help you out. You're in a bad place right now, but this doesn't have to be forever.

TokyoTantrum · Today 05:09

Meal advice for temporary accommodation:

You need shelf stable foods, including proteins. Canned tuna is great, sardines or mackerel are generally a bit cheaper. Tins of things like white beans or black (puy) lentils can be eaten cold in a salad. Brown rice pouches, again eaten cold (I'm presuming you don't have a microwave). Lentils and brown rice both have good amounts of fibre so are filling.

Eggs can be left out on the side. This sounds gross but you can boil eggs in a kettle- I had to do this when living somewhere without a hob. Put the eggs in, fill up all the way with water, boil, wait 5 minutes, boil again, wait 5 minutes, drain, eat.

Rice noodles, the skinny vermicelli style, can be cooked with boiling water from the kettle. You need a bowl or container with something you can use as a cover (plate, or pan lid). Boil water in the kettle, pour over, cover with lid, wait about 6 minutes and they should be soft and ready to eat.

Iceland sells bags of precooked chicken breast chunks. Defrost and warm by pouring over boiled water, drain, repeat a couple of times. Unfortunately I think they only sell fairly big bags and you'll have to use it all in one go, but could have a chicken feast once a week like this.

You might be able to keep somethings cold in cold water in your sink, like milk. Swap out the water to keep it cool.

Hope this helps a little. I lived without a fridge for ages but had access to a fire for cooking, which made a big difference. You might be able to smuggle in a small electric pressure cooker.

JMSA · Today 05:19

Very best of luck with everything. You’re doing great x
PS your ex is a prick 🤣

Terfedout · Today 05:46

Wishing you all the best. A friend of mine went through this recently and was housed in a travelodge after her landlord sold the property they lived in.

She is now in a lovely secure council house. You will get there too x

LastoneYawning · Today 05:52

DysmalRadius · Today 02:16

And ignore your daughter's dad - anyone who says things like that has got nothing to be proud of. Don't waste your emotions or energy on him - it's not your job to teach him not to be a twat.

Indeed. He’s a low life and I wonder what he is going as their father to ensure a roof over their heads. A good father doesn’t allow that. A good father would say such awful things to his child’s mother.

OP what an amazing woman you are that your children are seeing this as fun. Hang in there.

You haven’t failed. The system has. Low wages, unfettered capitalist greed and your shit ex have failed. You are fighting against the odds and doing great.

Keep hanging in there. Be kind to yourself. X

sparrowhawkhere · Today 05:53

Make sure school are aware so that they can support you.

Icecreamisthebest · Today 05:55

Your ex sounds abusive. Please don't give him another thought. I'd be interested in how much money he contributes towards his kids.

You are not a failure. You work, your kids are well looked after and life is tough for a lot of people right now.

As well as the links posted above, Shelter is the housing expert and might be able to give you some assistance.

13RidgmontRoad · Today 06:01

Sending love OP. You’re so not a failure, far from it.

PP has suggested some good food options. I run a food bank, support a lot of people in temp accommodation and would add:

in this kind of weather it’s ok to eat out and have dinner picnics with the kids - bread rolls, cheese, simple veg alongside, fruit for dessert.

look around the supermarket specifically for things that are ready to eat, ambient or just need a kettle.

do you have a supermarket nearby with a hot food counter or similar? Good for cooked chicken pieces and the like.

Please tell your kids’ school - send a factual email and ask, if you think there’s something they can help with.

Do you have nearby friends or family? Again just a factual message to say that this is where you are right now and could they help with - cooking a meal for you once a week? Storing things for you? Doing a round of laundry for you?

LastoneYawning · Today 06:01

LastoneYawning · Today 05:52

Indeed. He’s a low life and I wonder what he is going as their father to ensure a roof over their heads. A good father doesn’t allow that. A good father would say such awful things to his child’s mother.

OP what an amazing woman you are that your children are seeing this as fun. Hang in there.

You haven’t failed. The system has. Low wages, unfettered capitalist greed and your shit ex have failed. You are fighting against the odds and doing great.

Keep hanging in there. Be kind to yourself. X

Sorry for typos. Obviously I mean a good father wouldn’t say those things. He’s a twunt.

dementedmummy · Today 06:16

Northernlights19 · Today 02:55

Thank you so much. I have told them it's like a little holiday

This is because you are parenting like a boss lady. Read Kristina Kuzmics book and look at some of her reels on Facebook.

If you don't think you are parenting like a boss consider this. You have secured safe accommodation for you and your children in very difficult circumstances. You are working to provide for your children. Your children are fed, housed, clothes and loved - some kids out there struggle to get one of those things.

As for your ex DHs comments, proves why he is an ex! But also think of this, if he is bossing at parenthood and thinks you are not, why is he not housing your children? If I was a betting woman I would say cue a host of excuses about why he can't afford it, he works too long hours, he has to work outside the UK etc while you are here doing the hard day to day manual Labour of raising your children. Give yourself some grace 💐

Motorbikeshurtmyhead · Today 06:19

You are not failing and your ex is a twat.
If you are working are you claiming everything you are entitled to? And does that twat pay??

plsbekinddelicate · Today 06:30

OP, if your daughter’s Dad has such strong opinions he can help you to “provide a stable home” even if you aren’t together. If he isn’t doing that, he can wind his neck in.
My sister never wanted for anything financially growing up. Our “Dad” always made sure of that. I got the “poor parent.” I was the lucky one. I had love, adventure, creativity, and was taught value. It’s only now all these years later we can both see which one of us was fortunate. Keep doing what you’re doing. If you can’t have a fridge could you use a cool box with some gel freezer packs? Friends, family, food banks may be able to help you find some that are within budget. Powdered milk can be easily reconstituted. Tinned meats are a Godsend and can be used to add protein to breakfast, lunch, and tea. Beans are good sources too.

Whyherewego · Today 06:33

LastoneYawning · Today 05:52

Indeed. He’s a low life and I wonder what he is going as their father to ensure a roof over their heads. A good father doesn’t allow that. A good father would say such awful things to his child’s mother.

OP what an amazing woman you are that your children are seeing this as fun. Hang in there.

You haven’t failed. The system has. Low wages, unfettered capitalist greed and your shit ex have failed. You are fighting against the odds and doing great.

Keep hanging in there. Be kind to yourself. X

Absolutely this. Has your DD dad offered to actually help? Like increase how much he gives you for DD? Or just sniping from the sidelines.

You are doing the best job you can OP. Good luck and hopefully you can find something more permanent soon

Horses7 · Today 06:33

You are not a failure at all - you sound like a good Mum too.
You’re obviously having a really tough time but things will get better and you’ll get lots of helpful advice on here.
Your ex sounds awful and you should ignore him whenever you can.
Good luck OP!

Jellylasagnafortwo · Today 06:41

I grew up in a similar situation (b&bs, sofa surfing and hostels).At the time we thought it was an adventure. We had picnics on the floor, lived out of bags like we were on holiday, got to share a room with our mum. We didn’t know that we had no money. We didn’t realise at the time how hard it must have been for our mum. It’s only as we got older that we realised what was going on but by then we were safely housed.

You’ve got this. Sending you lots of hugs. This isn’t forever. You are not a failure.

TourdeCrema · Today 06:43

life has challenges and it sounds like your daughters dad was a big challenge.

This is a blip, a fucking big one for you at the moment but failure is great as the alternative is giving up and you haven't done that

Are you on the council waiting list?
Can you move areas?
If you can move areas to somewhere with a shorter wait for council property?
Are you claiming everything your entitled?
Did you claim DHP from your local council to help with the increase in rent? Always remember this one if you are on UC and council tax relief
Have you been to see the citizen advice ? They may have extra information that may help

Seajaye · Today 06:48

You daughters dad is horrible person who is emotionally abusing you when you are at your lowest.. Don't listen to him even though it's hard to ignore him. Try to find a source of free financial and emotional support in your neighborhood , and use food banks if you need to. Ask at the food bank if they know if any money advice services that can help you get back on your feet. At least you have done temporary accommodation. Hopefully you will qualify for social housing eventually even though it's in very short supply. Private rents are a horrendous problem especially for single parents, as it takes such a huge proportion of take home earnings and/or universal credit. Please try to find a local agency with a support worker who can help can you back in track.

sashh · Today 06:50

You have provided a roof over your head for your children. It isn't ideal but you and they are safe.

How old are the children?

For food, OK this is hard but tinned food can be eaten cold and if necessary from the tin.

Depending where you are a local mosque or Gurdwara will feed you if you cannot afford to buy and it will be good hot food.

There are things you can make with a kettle, pasta, noodles, rice.

You might not want to advertise your circumstances but do tell the school they can support your children, and you. Maybe the children could go to a friend's for tea? Not every night but the odd one.

One day you will look back on this, it won't be a disaster, it will be a blip. I know at the moment it feels like the worst thing in the world but it will become a blip.

NeatPinkFinch · Today 06:51

What a vile thing for your ex to say. He is clearly an abusive piece of shit. Lots of people have been in temporary accommodation OP you are not a failure. You’ll get through this.

sandgrown · Today 06:52

Please don’t put yourself down . You are an amazing mum doing your best to keep your family together . Do your children get free school meals ? Can you get something substantial at work ? I believe food banks supply a lot of foods that don’t need a cooker. Hopefully you will get somewhere soon. The children’s dad is a p*k. A real man would be helping his children . Ignore him x

Twiglets1 · Today 06:59

You're not a failure. You're just in a tight spot at the moment but at least your kids are safe and they have their mum who loves them.

Hope you feel a bit better this morning @Northernlights19

It must be hard but you won't be there forever. And your ex is disgusting talking to you like that when you are the one caring for the children, including his daughter. How dare he speak to you like that, the piece of shit.

Kepler22B · Today 07:11

Talk to the school. They might be able to help with breakfast and certainly will with lunch. Then, given how hot it is, a cold tea is perfectly fine.

You can’t have a fridge but a cold box will help. Do you have access to a freezer at work? Freeze the blocks in there while you are at work and use them to keep it cool. Better than nothing! Will at least keep milk fresh over night for breakfast.

This is temporary and you will get through it.

Redpaisley · Today 07:15

You are not a failure. You are trying your best. Your daughters need you. Your ex is a horrible man, also a failure.