My son stopped talking to his sister after finding out she was dating his best friend, and I don’t know how to fix this

[pilarr]

I never thought I would be in a situation where my own children would become strangers to each other.

For context, I'm 46 years old and I have three kids. My oldest son is 19, my daughter is 18, and my youngest son is 14.

My oldest son has had the same best friend since they were 8 years old he is same age as my son. That boy has been part of our family for so long that I never really saw him as just a friend he was almost like another son to me. He was always at our house for dinners, sleepovers, holidays, and everything in between. I watched him grow up.

My daughter also grew up with him. They were the same age, went to the same school, and were always close friends. They would play together when they were younger, and as they got older they would go hiking or spend time together, especially when my son wasn’t around. I always thought they had a good friendship and that both of them were good kids.

About two months ago, my daughter came to me and told me something I wasn’t expecting she and my son’s best friend were dating. They had already been together for two months, and she told me it wasn’t just a small crush. They were serious about each other.

She was nervous telling me. The first thing I asked was whether my son knew. She said no, but she wanted to tell him herself and asked me not to say anything. I felt uncomfortable keeping something from my son, but I also felt it was my daughter’s responsibility to have that conversation with him.

My daughter is a very thoughtful person. She is not someone who makes decisions without thinking about the consequences, so I trusted that she had taken this seriously.

A month ago, my son found out from some friends that his sister and his best friend were dating. What hurt him the most was not only the relationship itself, but that everyone seemed to know except him.

He asked my daughter why she didn’t tell him. She explained that she was scared he would react exactly the way he did. She wanted to wait until she knew the relationship was serious because she didn’t want him to think it was just a temporary teenage crush.

My son was furious. He told her that she shouldn’t date his best friend and that things between them would never be the same. He also confronted his best friend, who tried to explain that he genuinely cared about my daughter and wasn’t playing around.

I understand why my son feels betrayed. His best friend was like a brother to him, and now he feels like that friendship has changed. He has also felt responsible for protecting his sister since their father passed away five years ago.

But I also told him that while his sister should have told him sooner, she did not do something wrong by having feelings for someone she cares about.

I can see both sides. My son is hurt, and my daughter feels guilty. She has cried to me because she misses her brother and doesn’t want to lose him. But my son is still angry and has completely shut both of them out.

It has been a month, and my two older kids barely speak. They act like strangers in the same house. I don’t want this to permanently damage the relationship between my children.

Going back to the OP's first post, she said the son was 'furious' and that the relationship would never be ok for him.

And OP's first question to her daughter was not whether she was happy or how she was feeling, but whether the son knew.

Wow some posters have given themselves over to this thread to a quite insane extent

You said your bet was on him being gay and jealous. What’s that if not personal ?

Not only did he lie so did your daughter, his friend group and you, if not directly then by omission.
Your son has decided not to speak to them as the trust has gone. His network of friends and family all knew about the relationship between 2 of the people he is closest to and not told him. He must be feeling betrayed by those who were his go to's.
Why is your daughter so upset? She's 18 so hardly naive. Did she really think there would be no comeback from hiding the relationship from her brother while letting everyone else know that she and his best friend were in a relationship? So hurtful. If they had kept quiet he probably wouldn't have had such a response but knowing everyone in his group knew about his best friend and sister must hurt badly. He is now protecting himself from both of them which is understandable.
Would all the friendship group have continued to.keep the secret?
We read so often on here how people find out they are the last to.know with something going on in either their relationship, family or some other scenario. It causes immense pain and changes dynamics often forever.
The lack of support and understanding from some here is sad. Take care of your son and ensure he has support and most of all an avenue where he can talk.

I said as an explanation for the fear and extra sensitivity in disclosing, that perhaps there was an element of jealousy. I am getting the strong feeling that the daughter and friend had a reason to be delicate around the son. For the son's sake as well, perhaps.

This would be the most generous reason all round for all the various behaviours. Other reasons all point back to character faults like control rather than the vulnerability of having a minoritised identity and maybe not much support for it at home.

It all makes better sense given the 3 are young and care for each other, and the mother sounds quite trad.

Disengaging when emotions are high is fine. And I don't think commenters are saying he has no right to do that. He also feels betrayed by it being kept a secret, fine. But telling the sister that she shouldn't date his friend? Different people would react in different ways to their sibling dating their best friend. It does happen, they even get married, and I personally wasn't bothered, although you might be. It's just life. OP posted this in AIBU and commenters are giving their views on it as they see it. OP is worried about siblings continuing to not talk even though its been a month. The choice of solutions are to step away entirely and hope the situation resolves itself, tell the daughter to end the relationship, or speak to the son and say that perhaps it is time to accept it. Learning to accept the fact that things happen in life and that we can't control the actions of other people is a good thing. If OP wanted to do nothing at all, I don't see the point of the post. Shame that commenters are being demonized.

It’s hardly surprising, is it, considering it is her son’s best friend from childhood.

Also, is there something wrong with her son being furious? Every third post on Mumsnet seems to be from someone who is furious about something. AIBU to be furious about email from school? Husband and his hobby - I’m fuming! Livid at comment in WhatsApp group chat! And on and on and on.

Why are you on here if you disapprove of it?
Furious with a person and saying their relationship would never be ok is different. The tone is different, the meaning is more serious.

I think your son has feelings for his best friend (like more than just friends type feelings)

What rubbish. You can't guarantee that they'll split up based on their ages, my DH and I have been together since our teens (younger than the ones in this post) and I know of a handful of others, just off the top of my head, that are the same. Also DH was and still is very good friends with my sibling.

I do however agree that the sister and friend should have told OP's son themselves before it got to a situation of him finding out from a third party.

I’m trying to stay neutral and see it from all points. I can understand the son feels blindsided and the relationship dynamics have become more complicated but, other than actual abuse, I hate the idea of families having deep rifts. They have such far reaching consequences, are very difficult to heal the longer they go on and nothing is ever simple again.

Bullshit.

The only difference is that on this thread, it is a man expressing a negative emotion. So that is more serious. It’s abusive, even.

Everyone experiences negative emotions. Everyone.

Evidently, 'everyone'.
This does not seem like good faith posting.
An emotional expression normally is fleeting and not calcified into relationship loss.

If you have experienced the pain of adult children arguing over partner issues then stay in the ring! Otherwise STFU. Because this is a rollercoaster ride and the consequences OP if you cock it up are huge… for you.

OP my advice (from painful experience)…
Listen to both children. Love both children. Support both children. But….
Do. Not. Take. Sides.

You cannot solve this.

If you take sides you will hurt one of your children and you will still be suffering for years to come when this is a distant memory.

You are mum to both. Be there for both.

Also, they are adults and they have to sort this out themselves.

Daughter had her reasons for saying nothing? Listen to those reasons. Support her.
Son feels betrayed by sister and friend? Recognise his pain. Support him

But don’t choose one as right and the other as wrong. State that every time, like a boring cracked record. You care for them both, love them both, they are both decent people…and they have to sort it.

The point is that the young adults need to be mature enough to recognise the hurt here that ALL SIDES have experienced. It’s complicated and it’s not black and white. It’s going to take time- possibly years. Recognise that although there are only four people involved - you, son, daughter, friend - that’s 6 different pairs of people. Try untangling 6 pairs of “he said she said” !! It’s hugely complex.
You could suggest therapy/counselling for your DC but for goodness sake don’t try giving it to them yourself.
OP your job is to step up to the challenge and be there for both of your children. You’ll know you’ve got it right when both of them get angry with you for not taking their side (obviously on separate occasions!). And then you’ve succeeded when they finally stop asking you to choose one or the other. They have got to sort this not you!

On the plus side their brains are not yet fully developed and by their mid 20s they may have matured massively!
Good luck OP.

I think you’re massively overreacting. There’s plenty of relationship combinations that people think are faux pas. Dating a friends ex, dating your friends mum or dad, dating someone who was a child when you met them but are now adults.

Some people feel this way about family and close friends. This is because of obvious stuff like taking sides during the break up. But also, non romantic jealousy. He’s my friend! Now he’s going to prioritise my sister. On top of that he felt lied to by both of them plus everyone else he knows. It’s ok that he’s angry. He can say that she shouldn’t havep started dating him because he’s young and immature and he feels that life as he knows it is going to change.

All quite normal at that age. No need to make him the villain for having normal, albeit misplaced emotions

He is 19, managing university with 2 good jobs. Not 12. 'You stole my friend' rather than "I hope he is treating you right?" and a month of his newly-in-love sister crying and coldshouldered?

If the friend does turn out to be a bad date, sister may well cling defensively to him, having lost confidence in family.

🙄🙄🙄

Exactly this. The rest of this thread is actually unhinged. Poor OP asks for advice and instead gets a cluster fuck.

Son is the last to know about something important and everyone around him has kept it from him. Absolutely not about control or being gay its about feeling betrayed and humiliated by everyone

I know several couples who were together since they were teens...I can think of 7....only one are still together. Ignore the ages and accept that 30% of marriages end in divorce

My grandparents have known each other since primary school - were sat next to each other at the same desk. They were married for nearly 70 years before both passed away within months of each other.

Same here. I met my DH during the first week of university and we've been together ever since. DSIS met her husband at 16 and I can think of a fair few friends who met their partner at a similar age.

Of course they could end up breaking up... but they could also end up married with two kids and a dog 🤷‍♀️

I don’t really see what the problem is and I’m surprised that this is the first time this sort of situation has come up between 2 siblings of the opposite sex who are very close in age.

DH has a brother and a sister with only a year or 2 between them. Throughout their youth DH’s sister regularly hooked up or dated one of her brother’s friends. DH’s brother dated his sister’s best friend from school for a while in his early 20’s. This is super common. Especially as they get into late teens / early 20’s when age gaps close.

I don’t think there were any falling outs. Maybe a bit of piss taking. I certainly don’t think that DH’s parents ever got involved!

Same!

Everyone in this situation seems to be overreacting - the brother sulking for a month, the sister crying and the mum with all the handwringing over what is essentially a high school drama, that would probably fizzle out if she just played it down a bit ☺️

I agree with this. Stop amplifying their issues and just be neutral and sympathetic. No one did anything wrong. Two people fell in love and there was no reason they should not it doesn’t have to affect every other relationship. If OP’s son would rather be angry alone than happy —with his best friends’s happiness well that’s on him. This whole thing is a tempest in a teapot.

I don’t agree with your comment, but that isn’t why I’m replying to it - there’s absolutely no need to be so rude. It’s natural to feel that once he has lost his main male adult role model that he feels he needs to look after his family.

and no he doesn’t need to stop being selfish, (he is entitled to feelings) he needs to try and find a way to work through them.

It’s a really tricky one OP and I really feel for you, especially trying to deal with it alone.
I can completely understand why your son feels betrayed, but as you have said, your daughter hasn’t done anything wrong (other than let him find out the way he did).
He needs to talk to his friend first I think, I know that might seem the wrong way round but he’s the closest to him. Try and encourage him to hear him out.
im sorry I can’t wave a magic wand for you, I really wish I could.