AIBU to feel unsafe about a five-hour drive after his early shifts?

[Silverseahorse]

So...
We have to stay overnight somewhere tonight
It means driving 5 hours at dinner time
My DH drives ..I don't
We had a lot to organise to sort this out ,as family life is difficult.
So it's just suddenly occurred to me
My DH has been up since 4am every day this week for work and falling asleep by 7pm every evening
Today is no different..today is the last day on this shift ,he is off tomorrow,when we have to drive back ..
Now I'm sitting here , thinking shit ..yet again I'm going to be driven somewhere scared again.
Why didn't he say ..".I'm working from 4am that day ..I can't do the drive that evening,we need another plan.."
But this was his plan ....my plan was to drive up half way through the night so he could sleep first ...
Would your DH be able to drive for 4/5 hours in an evening after doing a week of 4am early starts .. including the day of the drive ,??
I've lost sight of what's normal
There's been so many times he's driven me scared..that I don't know what's normal and what's not .
Should I of looked at his shifts and said ..that won't work...
Usually I do ...but this event has caused me so much stress to organise at home (the people we leave at home )..that i didn't think to check his shift today ..
I really feel I'm reaching the end of the road with my marriage..and I'm terrified of what that means

what time are you due to leave?

Is this for a graduation ceremony? Wedding?

You dont make ur bed and lie in it there are ways out I promise u that if u need help the community can find it for u. I don't wanna make snap judgements here but if u need anything let me know let us the net mums community know and we'll help x

I’ve done 2 15 hour shifts with little sleep in between and then driven for 8 hours after. I’m still here to tell the tale.

if he starts to get tired, stop and get a coffee or energy drink.

Husbands lol.

You know, us ladeez can drive too 🤣

And yes, I could do it.

Some government stats/advice...

You've admitted that you do actually have a driving license, so if you're that worried- you drive!

I think he’ll be fine to drive. He’ll know his limits and will stop for a break when he needs to.

I’d definitely build your confidence up to drive on the motorway. I love driving and didn’t have any motorway lessons, but two weeks after I passed my test, my Mum died and I had to jump in the car and drive 300 miles, so I never had chance to think about it. Once you’ve found your confidence, you’ll be fine to do the driving. Do it sooner, rather than later.

So are you not a huge part of the problem here? You have a licence but won't drive on a motorway!!! Motorways are the easiest and statistically safest roads ever.

The right thing for you to do is share the driving.

Bus and truck drivers can be on duty for 21 hours continuously, driving for 10 each as long as there are 2 of them on the vehicle. They may also have had to drive a car some distance to get to base. So 20h isn't unreasonable.

Are you on your way @Silverseahorse ?

All good ..been here a while
We set of at 3 pm
No issues at all
Clearly I was overreacting
Needs to take my meds earlier in the day really

So everything you have alluded to in the thread just brushed under the carpet?

Man, what a storm in a teacup.

That’s mumsnet for you

A lot of this depends on age & health. In my 20's & 30's I wouldn't think twice. Late 40's with conditions that cause fatigue, I wouldn't even consider it. In my 20's I often drove after work from Bristol to Glasgow to see family.

I think you’re over reacting. I’m going to assume your husband isn’t an idiot and if he genuinely thought he couldn’t do it, then he wouldn’t. Or if he suddenly gets so tired whilst driving then he will pull over.

Or you could just woman up and do the driving instead if you’re so scared. You have a licence. Driving on motorways is easy enough. I’m going to assume you’re not 17 years old. I just don’t think you have a leg to stand on to question his ability to do the drive when you are basically just refusing to.

I feel like you're getting a lot of flack for not driving on the motorway, and I just want to say that I don't either and I absolutely understand your anxiety. I have driven for years but the motorways have got busier and busier, and hard shoulders have reduced significantly, and the mental anxiety it causes me genuinely makes me unsafe because I get so panicky. I will drive for hours in literally any other condition and on any other roads, but motorways are a hard no for me, just approaching the slip road makes my palms sweaty and my head spin. So I don't think you're alone in this, we can't be the only two people in the world.

That being said, no, I would prefer my husband not to do a five hour drive after being UK at 4am and doing a full shift, and probably would cancel or find an alternative option.

I’ve done this before and I work in a physical job doing 10 hrs shifts. Driving wakes me up.

just to add that motorway driving is by far the easiest driving you can do.

Just wanted to send you some support Op you sound like you’re struggling and overwhelmed by everything with driving, with organising stuff, with caring for your children and with your marriage.
Are you getting any support for your anxiety?
I’m concerned about your lack of access to money. I’m concerned you’re not receiving your carers allowance and have no access to the account it’s in. You’re doing the caring surely that money should go to you?
Is it being used to pay essential bills? Are you able to answer that question as you don’t have access to the account it goes into? Do you receive child benefit? If your children are under 12 it needs to be in your name so you receive your national insurance contributions.
Similar question for the glasses does the money for new glasses not exist or is your husband choosing not to give it to you?
For example I haven’t changed mine for a similar amount of time but that’s because initially the money didn’t exist then I chose to prioritise other things. It’s on my to do list.
As for the comments you’ve received do people really think berating someone who clearly has anxiety for being nervous is helpful! What person in their right mind tells someone who is nervous just being in a car that she just needs to ‘woman up and drive’! Don’t people realise that kind of pressure could lead to a potentially deadly situation!
There is a big difference between supporting the op to believe in herself and bullying her. A lot of these comments are not women supporting women and will fuel the ops anxiety.
As for your original question I think my DP could but I don’t think he should when we’ve done it in the past it’s been too much. He thinks he can though until it comes to actually doing it. I’m glad everything turned out ok with the drive.

We do a 4-5 hour drive at the end of a work week all the time. I am always available to spell DH, but he hates being a passenger while I drive and I don’t blame him as I am a safe but tense driver.

I have never doubted his ability to handle the drive.

Glad all was well and no, you weren’t overreacting. You had valid anxiety issues that some people are lucky enough not to understand.
People telling you to just drive on the motorway, or just do x, y, z have no idea. It’s like telling someone with depression to just buck up and cheer up. Infuriates me.