AIBU to be upset my mother-in-law says I do nothing?

[StatuesLove]

I’m 30 married with twin toddlers.
Just for context, I’m British Pakistani and my in-laws are quite backwards in their thinking.

I work 2 days a week and the twins are in nursery those 2 days.
I Usually have the twins 4 days a week completely alone (and 1 day my husband is also off with me to help).

The twins are hugely hard work and very very hard to manage, no one else can babysit them right now as only I can handle them.

My in-laws live a few doors down and are dependent on us for help with groceries and doc appts etc (they’re not literate). They can’t babysit as again they can’t feed them or put them down for a nap etc

I have been told recently that my MIL has been going around to my husbands families houses (aunts and uncles) and telling them that I don’t do anything for the house or kids, and that I wait until my husband comes back from work and then somehow the twins feed clean and raise themselves!!
All of the housework cooking cleaning appts etc are done by me, the twins are 99% alone with me to raise and I’m drowning in it, then I hear this.

It has upset me so much and I don’t want to give my husband more stress as he does defend me alot and he’s very stressed currently himself too due to work and the twins chaos.

AIBU to be so upset I’ve been non stop thinking about this for 2 days

I think you need to get them to use ocado and a taxi for doc appts now. You'll feel Asian guilt but it's the only way to make them understand

Personally I would sit down with MIL alone and say very calmly and clearly that I won’t put up with it and you expect her to act differently from now on or she simply won’t have a relationship with your family. Then leave and let her stew.

But I am not from your culture and I realise boundaries work differently for different cultures. So I don’t know how helpful my advice is. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I remember this phase of life very well and it’s exhausting.

Just ignore it, anyone with any sense will know it's not true.

I always try to say to myself, what people think of you is none of your business. I know it's not easy when people are talking negatively about you, but the people that matter know the truth

Don’t be ridiculous, nobody who works, raising toddler twins could possibly be lazy. Everyone will just think she’s an idiot. Laugh in their faces and move on.

Few things - clearly your MIL is talking nonsense and anyone with an ounce of common sense will recognise that.

The literacy - do you mean they don't speak English? What are they doing about that? And why is it your job to always take them places and translate when there are other relatives around?

The twins - it is unhealthy to say that you are the only person who can feed them or settle them. This is a pattern which you have allowed to develop. It would be wise to start allowing other people to do more, or share the feeding or putting to bed. Yes they might scream and kick off but it'll be worth it in the long run.

As pp said anybody listening to her would know it's not true.
Maybe she's jealous that people may be asking her how you all are managing with twins, because it would be hard work.
Very hurtful I know but nothing you can do.
I mean her saying you do nothing, and twins in the house, come on

I would stop doing anything for her, at all, right now. I would also find her some literacy classes to attend.

Mother in laws have been doing this for all time, not just in the British-Pakistani community I promise!

I am sure my MIL goes round her village saying the same (i work full time, am breadwinner AND do all housework and bulk of childcare) - if memory serves her complaints are i’m a workaholic who also spends all her son’s money and leaves all the work to her boy. Her boy who btw doesn’t know how the washing machine works.

Anyway. Let it wash over you. It’s her way of boasting to her mates about what an angel her son is so they think she’s an amazing mum who has raised a superman. Someday it will be you complaining to your mates about your twins’ good for nothing spouses 😉

@ChocolateCinderToffee Oh give over. They’re old they won’t be lectured by their British-born DIL to change their ways.

Sounds like you are exhausted

any way you can say “no can’t be bothered I’m so lazy” next time they need you - might give you a break

What culture are your in-laws, OP?

You say you’re British Pakistani and they are backwards in their thinking and illiterate. For me that could be deprived white British, or almost any other culture that failed to assimilate.

I had very similar from my bigoted white British MIL (I am white European btw). I chose to ignore but it did eat me up inside for many years. It may have been healthier for me if I’d confronted her. But you’d need to make sure your husband supports you…

They are idiots. It's horrible hearing things people say behind your back, especially when clearly untrue! But you can't change these people, and can't stop them being nasty behind your back.

All you can do is keep telling yourself that you're a brilliant mum and doing your best as we all do! You are the only mum your kids have got and you are their world! Your kids wouldn't care what os being said about you, all they want is a happy mummy. Don't let these people drag you down, don't let them take your happiness, ignore them and keep telling yourself that you're doing an amazing job in the carnage of raising TWINS!!

Who was the kind person who shared this gossip? They haven't done it for your own good. Some people like to light a firework and stand back and watch. Don't be drawn into a dispute for other people's entertainment. TBH you don't know what was said and by whom. Move on, rise above it.

I hope you get some replies from women within your culture who understand all the nuances but I just wanted to say YANBU to feel the way you do. You can’t control what MiL says to her family and friends, and I suspect that confronting her would possibly make things worse. So I would concentrate on validating myself in this situation - MiL is not a parenting expert, just a woman who has kids (just like you!). You are raising two high needs toddlers and working - you definitely don’t ‘do nothing’.

Try to think of a few shortcuts that might get you five minutes peace - maybe some garden toys for kiddos. Nice coffee. And Mr Tumble is always there if you get really stuck!

You are in the hard bit right now, ignore MIL, keep your head down and you will get through it.

Well the aunts and uncles can be their new carers, then. Drop the rope.