Why is life so unfair

[MyFastZebra]

Does anyone think about this? I just think sometimes that I never had a chance.

I was born into a bad family. My father was cruel when I knew him, then he abandoned us and refused to pay maintenance. So I grew up in poverty. My mother brought us up but was abusive to me. My mother's parents were dead. My fathers parents had nothing to do with ne. My aunts and uncles were all horrible to me.

I had not one person. I remember crying and crying as a child. I'm quite spiritual and I used to meditate as a child. I remember during meditation hearing a voice saying "even if no one else loves you, if you love yourself you'll be ok".

But I haven't been ok. My life has been nothing but struggle. Worse, is the terrible feeling of being alone. I don't have one person.

I look around and I see people going for dinner with aunts , having a great relationship with grandparents. It upsets me.

I'm 42 now and I feel sad that all my young life is gone. I never enjoyed my teens or twenties as it was a struggle just to survive.

I look at some teenagerss i know now and they are so well supported by parents, grandparents . Their families pay for holidays.

I'll never experience the joy of being an 18 year old teenager going on holiday with my friends. At 18 I had huge burdens and responsibilities.

It's just all so unfair. And the unfairness of it is driving me mad. Why couldnt I have had one person that cared about me. Why did I have to have such a tough life. Why do other people have easy lives and other people have tough lives.

I look at children in the news who are similar to me. They only usually make the news when they are murdered. Preston Davey. There are countless other children who being neglected and unloved. Why is life so unfair. Why does it have to be such a struggle.

Any thoughts?

OP I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. Absolutely unfair and undeserving. I’m so sorry you feel alone now and are still having a tough time in your work life. You’ve had some lovely responses here- focus on those and ignore the others. I think it’s totally understandable you’d be asking yourself why things have been so hard for you. I don’t want to sound condescending but would say grip on to those small moments that bring you joy. Sending you love and a hope for peace and some joy in your life- you have plenty of time to find it ahead x

Instead of looking at privileged teenagers with lots of parental support, look at the young girls in places like Afghanistan, who are sold into marriage before they even hit puberty, and have no hope for the future. In some sense, you are one of the lucky ones, because you have the opportunity to change your life. Don’t waste that opportunity by wallowing in what you haven’t had.

Oh shut up. You’re not helping at all. You’re giving zero compassion to someone who says their pain and suffering is down to never having experienced any compassion.

No one knows what someone else has been through and how that person feels about it. Even people in the same family would’ve had a different childhood experience. Also we are all wired differently and have a different genetic make up so you can’t say everyone should just get over it without support.

OP I do agree with people saying that it may be worth trying another therapist. I have had more than one and the first one was hopeless - she actually told me that the reason my boyfriend was abusive might be because I wouldn’t marry him - guess what happened when I did! Anyway I later saw someone really skilled and it has helped immensely.

However what has not changed is not having the kind of help and support and indeed love that you’re talking about and that’s really hard. People who just take that for granted just won’t ever get it. It might be just one person who showed that care and guidance, which is why so many abused people speak of an aunt or a teacher or friend’s mum who showed that interest and changed their lives.

Or some people may have found a loving partner or group of friends that has transformed things. One thing that has helped me is finding slightly older friends and acquaintances that have time and empathy to be a bit supportive. I started doing hobbies that older people do and that has made a difference. Something like volunteering or rambling. It doesn’t sound wildly exciting but it’s worth actively looking for caring and understanding people and inviting them into your life.

I agree with the person who said try and introduce as many things that give you pleasure as possible. That could be exercise or a hobby or being in nature. If you don’t have a partner then maybe having massages to get that caring physical contact. Happiness is certainly not something that is always there but it can be made up of a lot of good moments and it’s really important to be able to notice them when they happen and really feel them.

The other thing is that if you’re stuck you may need to actively grieve the lack of love in your past. Maybe journaling might help give you some release or even writing on chat gpt and explaining how you feel. You might get more support and suggestions than from some of the people on here. Maybe get in touch with some charities that have been set up to support people who have been abused in childhood. There may be peer groups or forums of people who understand.

Ignore the negative posters and those that just say get a grip without explaining how to do that. And focus on all of the care, attention and good wishes from those posters that want something better for you. Good luck.

By not dwelling on it. I am quite loving but can also be quite cold and detached if I need to. My parents were not considered abusive back in the 80's but would be considered abusive now- low-key being told off all the time, occasional hitting us, punishments if we didn't get along and quite a bit of body shaming and humiliation. Always penny pinching, never had a holiday, or proper days out- other than visiting family every weekend. Had a good relationship my cousins etc so that was my only fun. My mum did make an effort to help me with some money for uni (the equivalent of £15 a week now) but I had to work. I slept in a tiny sofa where I couldn't even turn around for 5 years and ate noodles every day for lunch. This made me super frugal and now I am somewhat comfortable, but it's daunting to know you can't count on anyone to bail you if you come into bad times.

‘Oh shut up’ is hardly helpful to anyone, is it?

I wouldn’t normally do this but as can be seen I am not the only one who was taken aback (to say the least) with the mention of Preston Davey on the thread.

I think the main ‘issue’ (without wanting to cast blame) is that absolutely no mention of sexual abuse was made in the OP, and so it was difficult to make that link. The OP mentioned her mother being abusive but again, without wishing to sound dismissive that can transcend so many topics and it is very unusual (though I realise not unheard of) for women to be the perpetrators of sexual abuse. Had the OP stated that she’d been the victim of terrible sexual assaults as a young child, and that her life had been difficult as a direct consequence and Preston’s case had been very upsetting as a result, then that’s totally understandable. As it was, people (including me) could only go off the information in the OP.

I don’t know if you are still reading @MyFastZebra . I don’t have your past of course but I actually can relate to much of what you wrote in your OP. Losing a parent young ages you beyond your peers: you are twenty five at age fifteen and for many women they find they sort of go backwards emotionally rather than forwards, because you missed those rites of passage first time round. So you are fifteen at age twenty five. Perhaps I’ve explained that badly.

Unfair isn’t really something that comes into it though, it just is. I have a thread at the moment where my husband is dying: he’s a good man, we have very young children, it is unfair but it also just is - the cancer which he’s got hasn’t attached itself to him because of something personally he did, any more than my own mums did.

Life was quite difficult and lonely for me until I met DH and my life (until a few months ago anyway!) bore no resemblance to how it did in 2018. I was 38 when I met him so not young. Now it’s going to change again and this is something to hold onto: I don’t know if you’ve ever read Anne of Green Gables but the ‘bend in the road’ has always helped me in the tricky times and if you enjoy it reading is its own therapy, it really is.

I wish you well

You trying to score points here and ‘prove’ your point is just embarrassing now. Stop it.

If you think that acknowledging that not all the information pertinent to the OP was in the OP, sympathising and trying to add things which may help are embarrassing then we won’t agree I’m afraid.

Yes. Anyone posting their ‘likes’ makes me cringe at the best of times. Even worse when it’s in relation to an abused and unhappy OP.

I ‘stopped’ at around half past three yesterday and returned as I’m afraid I don’t respond very well to shut up or stop it and not should anybody. Apart from being fucking rude it’s also what directly leads to sexual abuse and harm happening so I’ll stop when I wish to if you don’t want a response, generally people stop talking.

To be honest I just think your posts are really weird. As people have said, you have made the same point over and over, from start to the end of this thread.

We get it. You don't need to write it yet again

Wow. That was rude.

@MyFastZebra @Overbrookanddale
You are both having a hard time for different reasons. Please just try to be kind to each other.

@RoseonthebalconyI totally agree with you. Well done for sticking up for the OP. How anyone can read her posts and respond in such an utterly offhand, cruel and callous manner makes me despair.

Op you are becoming frustrating, you've had several posts empathising, sympathising and even suggesting EMDR. You just come across as so dismissive.

Ive commented earlier about EMDR and it was life changing for me. I no longer relive the memories, they are just hazy. I of course know the unhazy version but I need to now reach for those memories.

We've all been through some form of trauma, vast majority comes from childhood. Prior to my EMDR I didnt wake and think of memories....I used to have horrific nightmares but learned through therapy before EMDR to wake and let my brain be aware, can I hear birds, traffic, what am I doing today. Without sounding like a cunt, its almost as if you want to be the living victim. The past is the past, you cant change it, but you can change your future.

Eh what?

I've literally written that I would like to try EMDR but I can't afford it.

I've looked up sessions with psychotherapists in my city. Sessions are very expensive and are more than I can afford

That’s an appalling thing to say. Likening your unhelpful and unsympathetic posts being criticised to horrific sexual violence is absolutely unacceptable.

And before you say the OP is just as bad comparing her situation with Preston Davey it’s not the same. She wasn’t saying that her situation is as bad, she’s saying that people like her, as well as people like Preston just get an unfair rub of the green compared to others.

Personally I think that’s a reasonable take. It’s not saying that people who haven’t been sexually abused as children have easy lives. It’s not saying that people with extensive abuse from their main caregivers can’t overcome it. But not having caring, supportive, loving parents and a wider extended family does make life more challenging.

A race to the bottom where someone in a far flung country may have harder lives is not helpful. If you’ve broken your leg you don’t want the doctor to say oh just pull yourself together other people have broken necks.

Start saving. EMDR saved my sister from a serious breakdown. I really believe in it.

Most Talking Therapy services through the NHS offer EMDR.

I had a similar childhood. Mother died when I was very young. Dad was abusive. Emotionally deprived and no one jad my corner. This continued to adulthood.

I dealt with it by reducing contact with the people who made me feel shit, finding good people and looking to the future. There us nothing about your past you can change.

Thanks. I'm quite spiritual. I read a lot of spiritual books about past lives, near death experiences.

I kept questioning the whys from a spiritual perspective.

Why do some spirits come to be born into abusive families and some come to be born into great families.
Is it a choice.
Do I have this life because I was bad in a past life?
Did I want to learn about abuse to learn to forgive?

I do forgive my mother in one way. In that she was obviously deeply damaged herself to abuse us. And yet why haven't I healed.

Did I choose a tough childhood so that I would go on to help children? I have helped some children but not loads.

I was watching a video once of when spirits come to earth, they often sign up for challenges without realizing how tough it can be once we actually get here.
I talked to a psychic medium once. She said to me before I said anything "you've had a very tough life. You have had many lives on earth. Some were easy. You wanted a challenge this time".

No I don't want the challenge anymore lol. It's too hard. What was I thinking. But once we are here, we are here. I've got to keep going

@MyFastZebra Don't believe there is any meaning for children to be abused, neglected or suffer. They do so because their parents are abusive.

Yes. A lot of people do search for a reason.

I guess its easier to think "maybe there was some reason for all this" Rather than "it was all pot luck and my parents were assholes"

Sending you a hug Op

You have been brave and resilient just to stay on this thread.

Life is unfair and people like some on this thread make it far worse, they truly lack tolerance, understanding and empathy.

They have some empathy for those who didn't survive but reinforce the unfairness to those who suffered the same but survived.

They are a big part of the problem, talk about those in prison or on drugs, alcohol or other weight and tell them to be heroes and rise above it all. But sometimes those who are horribly abused can't rise above it all, they can't escape it and they instead suffer all there adult lives in various traumatic ways.

Surviving is not always for the best.

You are a survivor op but you are obviously sad and in pain, so I send you a hug and hope your life changes for the better.

You have been very good not to sink to the level of some people on this thread and your responses show that you have a lot of love and tolerance.