Aibu about partners social media habits? Also mentions sex and self esteem

[TheWolfTheRamandTheHart]

This morning me and my partner were both sat next to each other doom scrolling and glancing at each others phones to look at the occasional video.
My partner's social media feed was full of half naked woman (probably more accurate to say young adults) wearing underwear/bikinis and gyrating about jiggling their breats.

I felt irrationally angry and disrespected although I can't fully explain why. I know he uses porn, and I don't like that either, but he's never done it somewhere that I can see and we have never really had a proper conversation about it.

For further context, and I believe this is relevant, I do not have great self esteem to start with. I am late thirties, he is in his fourties and we have been together for 6 years. We are getting married next month.

Prior to me, he was single from being 18 due to having significant caring responsibilities for a family member. I had children young - he had never seen naked or slept with a woman who has had children until me. He has always struggled with sex - about half of the time he can only finish by using his own hand.

I think he does love me in his own way, but he has never really given me any sort of compliment aside from 'I like your tshirt' or anything romantic or thoughtful. He even proposed to me at a concert, during a song that is notoriously known to be a breakup song (it's even called 'I don't love you') and he has loved that band for 20 years so he knew that!

Today really hit home that the bodies he is looking at, are very different to mine. I am not one of those women who 'bounced back' after babies. I've had vaginal and csection births, two of my babies were over 10lb, and I breastfed for 9 years. I have recently lost a few stone but I have loose and stretchmarked skin. There is nothing about me that is perky.

I don't really know why I'm posting this, I keep crying at the thought of having sex with him now I know what sort of women he likes to look at. I really love him, and I am so attracted to him, I do not look at other men.

Urgh. Leave him!

Porn is an insidious cancer. No one should be okay with it nor accept it as normal. There is so much wrong with it and you are feeling the effects of it, first hand by, unfortunately, being a victim of the damage it does to men and their perspective on themselves and women. You keep brushing the porn off, as though it's not an issue, but it is clearly the issue. It will continue to be an issue as long as you both live in denial about it.

Perhaps you should think about why you're investing your love into a man who can't even be bothered complimenting you, doesn’t do anything romantic or thoughtful, struggles to finish during sex, lechs over very young women online, and wanks to unpleasant sexual exploitation.

You need to have higher standards – you can do better than this man who makes you feel insecure and humiliated.

Oh OP. I don't see how you can go on like this after those words. Don't marry someone who hurts you like this, don't marry a man who's idea of a "better" woman is a half naked teenager on instagram, and don't marry a man who's all but told you he'd be off like rat up a drain pipe if one of said women would have him. And that's apart from the porn and the shit sex.

Who cares about the details! He’s not making you feel good and you will REGRET marrying him.

Ah that's it, that s the deal breaker.
You've been afraid he's looking in a sort of aspirational way, which reflects poorly on you.
And he's gone and said actually yes, you're right.
Really dim, and you sound really smart.

You can do better. You should.

Ouch - that's pretty difficult to come back from.
I think you need to speak to him about what has happened, how much it hurt / humiliated you and his follow up comments have made it worse.

He may have an explanation, he may not. Would you be able to move on from it though and feel secure in the relationship? If not, it's time to call it a day.

I promise you that this isn’t going to get any better. In ten years’ time, he’s still going to be looking at this stuff online. And you’ll be feeling worse about it because you won’t have youth on your side.
So sorry, OP 💐

Won’t get better for sure, even worst!

You say you have children, are they girls? I would be very very worried about them growing up with this kind of man around.

Honestly, I couldn’t continue after that last comment of his! Your partner is supposed to cherish you for being you. I am Middle Aged and have excess skin, hairs on my chin and gone-south boobs etc after all my kids, yet my DP makes me feel beautiful and secure and safe in his love every day.

I remember feeling humiliated when with my exH, it’s an awful feeling and you serve to never feel like that again.

Sorry to say this, but it does sound like he’s got a porn addiction if you know he watches it, and his algorithm is like that plus he cannot finish during sex. I’d really reconsider whether this is the right person for you to marry as your self esteem is likely to remain low with someone like this.

Oh that’s heartbreaking. Please don’t marry him. 💐

That’s vile.

OP you need to have a proper sit down adult conversation with him about how all this makes you feel - his comments about looking at a car he can’t have, not complementing you, the sex, all of it.

He needs to understand how serious this is and how much it is upsetting you.

I don’t think it’s that unusual that someone left alone with his hand for decades doesn’t always finish through sex. You said that this improved.

It’s very easy for posters on mumsnet to say bin him but this is your life.

YABU it’s the algorithm.

My feed is full of half naked women and men because I clicked on a couple of things relating to similar things.

I am into fitness and so the men shown are all massively buff - something that I do not have any attraction to at all.

You say he’s been single for many years and so any woman’s body is going to be attractive to him.

I think these are issues that are all in your own head and you need to be careful to not drive him away.

I think you should both make a conscious effort to be on your phones less.

He had no sexual relationship between 18 and late 30s because he was caring for someone. And now has issues with finishing. I think you will find porn played a major part in the years before he met you and it's a hard habit to break after all those years. What he said to you was mean. This isn't going to get any better after marriage.

Yeah that's a disgusting comment

He equates women to products he can't afford
He doesn't value you

Don't marry this man

I feel you haven't necessarily read all that she'd written. He told her it's like looking at cars he can't afford? Wtf? I'd dump him on the spot, sorry.

The guy shouldn't be doing this, or at the very least have enough common sense to not make it obvious to his partner that he's doing it, and that he literally thinks better of those women than he does of her....