To call it a day with DP as his "ex" wife books yet ANOTHER holiday on one of her custody weekends and he just sucks it up.

[mondaycando1]

They have 50/50 custody, she has half the year to book holidays and yet in the 3 years we've been together, she must have booked half a dozen holidays that mean he's needed to have the kids on her time. He NEVER says no for fear of upsetting her.

Their divorce has dragged on for most of those 3 years (they've been separated 6+ years, she had an affair, still with the bloke as far as he knows) as he deferred to most of her demands and didn't fight them for fear of upsetting her.

He was really ill last month which meant we had to cancel the long awaited 5 day break we had booked (I also have 50/50 custody, same pattern, so 5 days is the most we can get away together, other stuff often gets in the way so this only happens a couple of times a year).

Just this morning, to celebrate him finally being able to push the button on the divorce final order today, we fathom out another weekend in 3 months time we can get away together. What happens this afternoon- she tells him she's booked a holiday that very same weekend we had free and could he have the DC? I totally swear she's done it out if spite because of the final order. Of course, so he doesn't upset her, he's agreed.

Fuming here.

Yes I would leave this relationship. I had the same thing . Was infuriating.

He should message and say sorry no I forgot we have plans and I can’t have them. Very annoying.

This is incredibly immature and short sighted.

He is a parent. Whilst it might not be “fair”, him picking up his ex-wife’s slack is what is best for their children.

The fact that it isn’t fair doesn’t change that.

You could say to DP that you would like to message Ex Wife to tell her you've booked a holiday... She could organise childcare or rearrange.

So you only actually have to put in the work of parenting for 183 days a year and you think you're terribly hard done by for having to add a few more?

You realise most people have to look after their kids every day for 18+ years continuously and maybe get a weekend off twice a decade if they're lucky?

OP, apologies if this has been suggested before (I’ve only read your posts) but would using a co-parenting app help? The usual times can be entered into the calendar and if there are any non-negotiable dates they can be marked as such. Give and take is good for everyone but if the communications are done via the app the piss taking is there for all to see. If the ‘children’ are teens they can have access and can see the piss taking too…..

The main consolation is that, as teens, the light at the end of the tunnel is almost within reach.

That’s a bit nasty. I don’t think he’s necessarily weak. Who wants their own kids to feel unwanted . If you have a relationship with someone with kids you can’t always expect to come first.
Try to get in first in future and have firm plans well in advance.

Also the poor children in the middle will understand when they’re older (if not now) that their Dad tried to see them whenever he could. My parents each put their new partner first and it completely battered our feelings of esteem and self worth. If you can’t understand that you may be happier with a man with no baggage.

I’m a single parent and always said I wouldn’t date a single father for this said reason. May be hypocritical, but I’ll happily remain single.

I did let my guard down once and started a relationship with one. Same situation. As soon as XW caught wind we were going on a weekend away together (looking back I think I was a rebound so he probably told her), she booked a holiday so he had to have their dc. CF X was trying to waggle out of giving me my money back I’d paid for the trip but I damn well made sure I got it back.

Ended things immediatley after that. Surprise surprise, they got back together but he still tries to message me despite having blocked him on 2 numbers and all social media.

I have enough to deal with and won’t factor in a bitter XW or wet wipe partner.

Or that she will hold him to ransom.

I've been in your situation, OP.

DP's two children live with him. They're now older (early 20s, late teens) and the younger one sees mum six nights a month. I have 50/50 so know DP's children better than he knows mine, because I have more no-child days. For ease, I will call them the DSC.

Despite not seeing DSC2 very much, DP's ex still regularly books holiday (with her DP, without DSC) that span her weekend(s). She once started and finished a holiday on her own weekends and DSC2 didn't see their mum for almost a month. Mum didn't ask to swap any days either, to make up the time. She goes on two-week foreign holidays with her DP every year and they take DSC2 away for a week in the UK. I cannot understand it myself. I will always take any extra time possible with my own DC and never want to give up days.

Anyway, to my point.It can be frustrating. But I have always felt that, when this happens, it's an opportunity for me to get to know DSC and for their dad and me to model reliability and consistency.

Our long-term plan is for DP and DSC2 to move in with us when DSC2 and my DC1 finish school. DSC1 is moving into a house share soon, and both my DC1 and DSC2 want to go away to university. So, when the time comes, only my DC2 will still be at home year-round. It's taken us five years to get to the point where we can see this working. But our DC are all on board with the plan and appreciative that we've always prioritised them and are waiting for them to be largely independent before we move in together.

DP and I have never had more than two nights away alone, because we both save our annual leave to spend with our respective DC.

The fact that DP has always been there for his DC when their mum has been flaky is one of the things I love best about him. Although DSC won't hear a bad word about mum, I can't help but suspect they feel a bit abandoned when she consistently chooses her DP over them.

I have always seen it as a positive that he steps up when she isn't available.

The mum is in the same position, why does she need more time ?

why is she ok going away in the 50% of the time she has the kids

please explain

It wouldn't be a life that I'd be willing to settle for. He's not doing his children any favours modelling a life where they are his entire world at this age unless life with mum is difficult. I doubt the children would be foisted on a relative if he refused because few relatives would be willing. She's doing this because she can. If this is what he wants to do, I think you should part amicably because it's just not working for you.

Get rid of DP im afraid. As flippant as it sounds, this is not going to get better. Either the bloke has backbone or he doesn't, and sadly it sounds like the latter.

This! I find it wild that couples who split expect to have so much children time/holidays. Complaining about only having 5 days away together, or having to wait 3 months for a trip alone. I’m lucky if I get an annual 1/2 night trip away with my husband, with the odd evening out together.

I wouldn’t even get a night a year, but I still understand that if you have a new relationship and you both only have your dc every other weekend that you should be able to go away. If I were in a new relationship I think I’d want nights away much more, dh signed up to have dc full time with me and a new partner didn’t.

op, ask him what he thinks would happen if you said no. Point out he might be sick one day, or away with work and can’t get back, instead of just killing off his relationship, and he needs to think about these things.

Plenty of us do say no when selfish ex’s cancel set arrangements. you cannot legally do anything to make the other parent have the dc and not cancel. I stand up to my selfish prick of an ex all the time about this behaviour and have plenty of backbone but he puts his holidays, work and hobbies first and dc a long time last. He doesn’t care if it inconveniences me. I’ve had to cancel two weekends away when he ‘forgot’ to tell me he had booked work and had to cancel dc on his days. It was clear he just wouldn’t show up. I don’t book anything for myself now without a backup childcare plan if ex flakes. You can’t change the ex being selfish and unfair you can only change how you react to it or walk away from it.

Is there a court order for the 50/50 child care or is it just an arrangement between themselves? Having been through family court, which was 3 years of hell that cost nearly £50,000 with almost a year of not seeing the child, I can fully understand why he just accepts it. She is clearly using the kids to ruin your own plans and cause problems. It could also be an attempt to sabotage the rationship as she is jealous he has moved on. She is also being extremely selfish and showing you that thinks her time is more important than your's.

Does she take the kids on holiday often? Or it it only her who get to go? It says a lot about her that she goes on holiday without them several times a year. It's perfectly fine to go on holiday without the kids. But, doing it that often during your time is not fair. I can imagine how the kids feel.

If there is an order and he just accepts it, he is probably happy to be getting extra time with them. He may also realise how the mum doing this so many times will make the kids feel. It is extremely frustrating though and I completely understand why you have had enough of it.

I'd probably have a discussion with him and find out why he just accepts it and says yes every time. Clearly explain the impact it is having on your and your relationship. If he is just behaving like a doormat and essentially is putting his ex's holidays above you and the relationship, it needs to stop. He needs to make it clear to the ex that it's not happening anymore. It will only escalate if he doesn't.

So man has an ex wife who uses their kids as a weapon. Rather than rising to the bait and getting into arguments, he takes his kids whenever needed? He's putting them first. If you don't like that then leave. Calling him weak seems pretty pathetic. He's prioritising his children

dh signed up to have dc full time with me and a new partner didn’t.

A new partner "signed up to a partner who has children. If they don't like that they can sign up to a child free person.

I think you need to dig a little into the dynamic here, OP. Is he generally conflict-avoidant to a fault as a personality trait or is it specific to his relationship with his ex? My DP’s ex-wife was abusive. The divorce was very nasty and he now manages the co-parenting arrangement by sticking to the absolute letter of the schedule agreed in mediation, and otherwise ‘grey-rock’-ing her.

Exactly

It’s interesting that doing what his girlfriend tells him is what would apparently give him backbone.

It is interesting, reading recent and older threads on this same subject where men have told their ex's that for whatever reason they can't have their DC that week/end the replies are normally to the affect of it's not your problem to fix, it's your ex's time to have the DC, you've said you can't and it's up to him to sort out.

But in this case the ex can and seems more than happy to have his children, so a scenario where the other partner doesn’t want to have them be beyond “their time” isn’t really relevant to this scenario.
It doesn’t seem like this man has a problem taking his kids an extra weekend or two a year, the only one with the issue is his girlfriend.