Dh has announced his retirement date and I feel irritated by it

[PerfectTiming1]

DH has been talking about retiring for a few years. He has just told me when he would like to finish work and it coincides with our youngest starting secondary.
I feel a bit irritated by this timing. I was a sahm to our DC until youngest started school. I got a job that allowed flexibility and I did all school admin. Concerts. Assemblies. Sports Days etc.
It just feels a bit… convenient. Like he has waited until the DC need (significantly) less support to then be available. AIBU?

Are you frightened of him, OP? Yes, just tell him. Do you think he’s sat there worrying what you will say if he asks you to book a dentist appointment for your son? You say, ‘you’re not retiring, you’re being a sahd, parenting doesn’t stop just because you turned 55, you knew when we had DS that you’d be 55 when he turned 11 and now here we are’. Make it clear that you are taking on the role that he did when he was working and you were more flexible. You even still had a job then and he doesn’t now so it’ll be far easier for him. His age is irrelevant other than the fact that he gets his work pension to cover the costs your inheritance did for you. If he could manage his professional job for 30+ years and everything that entailed without needing to be micromanaged then he can manage this.

Exactly, there’s millions of dads to 11 year olds in their 30s. Does he think they get to all go off and golf all day and pretend they’re a single man with no responsibilities? Until his child is an adult, he needs to provide for him. He doesn’t get to opt out of being a dad based on his own age when he still has a child to care for.

So he’s got the time to take over the house work, food shop and dinner prep then.
His hobbies can work around that …

I'm saying this with love. He took your inheritence money to pay your "50"%. Girl you paid for the privilege of being everyone's slave. He needs to step up now and take care of everything so you can get that back. He isn't going to relax or have time for new hobbies because he's going to have a house to run. I can't believe you were manipulated into giving that money away like that.

In my view marriage is similar to a triangle: The baseline is how everything works financially and who does the family stuff and household duties. Each partner contributes what they are able to keep the triangle stable. If one partner does not pull their weight in whatever way then then the whole falls apart. This does not mean that contributions do not shift over time.

Therefore the whole structure needs to rebalance.

Only by parents who are over involved. The idea of raising kids( especially secondary school aged) is to teach the self sufficiency, I dependence and resilience.

Parents who are hovering and doing all these stuff for them obviously aren't

Most of that stuff on the list isn't daily either. Like topping up lunch card. Even over 10 years ago it could be done by DD. Just make sure the kid knows the daily allowance they have and get them to keep an eye on the balance As for " meetings" for GCSEs , overseas trips etc Well they come once or twice in 5 years

I didn't feel that at all. I enjoyed my kids far more as teenagers but also I didn't allow myself to be their slave

Secondary school age is busy and stressful in other ways!
They tend to be stricter on school uniforms, there are tons of forms to fill out, they eat a huge lot more food- constant food shopping and cooking. They also have exams and much more homework which needs supporting. Then there's the friend dynamics, bullies at school, organisation skills need to be developed, they still need lifts to and from school, increased inset days. It's still never ending- just different. I think you do need to have a serious conversation with him about how much of this he's going to take on board or else it'll all still fall to you

I wouldn't have a problem with it, as long as my partner were to take the lead on child-related issues. I have to leave work early to do the school run, I do the running around and school meetings - if your DH is going to do all that, brilliant, but I wouldn't be happy if DP left me to do the kid stuff.

Oooh I am with you OP, I can see a tricky situation where you work at work, come home and cook dinner, chase teens, put a wash on, pack up food prep ingredients, tidy up all the snacks everyone ate all day, meanwhile he follows you round the house describing his day fishing and ignoring how frazzled you are because "the kids aren't little now, so what is there really to do".

I would suggest a heart to heart, not so much about supporting your youngest but more "what does retirement mean" and how will it look with him being available all day now.
Personally, I'd suggest he picks up some solid domestic jobs, maybe not necessarily the teenager/school stuff but perhaps he can do the big shop one day, do the cooking, ensure the house is tidy, take over the washing. I think it's up to him what he "picks up" but he should shoulder more domestically, or there is going to be huge resentment on your part for juggling everything else and working - you are entitled to come home to a reasonably ship-shape homelife if you're the only person working, and that'll still leave him plenty of time for relaxing and hobbies. He might want to bond with the kids now he is off, so you could suggest something they could do together that's fun and also gives you some time without any of them a couple of times a week!

You have a big shock coming your way, teens being more independent = needing transport to places that are further away, much later pick ups, sports that last longer and fixtures that are further afield, schedules that are way more complicated, much harder homework and everything costs more. I would go back to primary years in a flash I am like an admin assistant/taxi driver/fashion advisor/fixture manager/tutor. Your husband has no idea what is coming either but trust me having two to split the load will be a godsend.

I think you are jealous. Plain and simple. He gets to retire,you have to go to work,yet after years of what should have been lovely stress free childcare,why was it traumatising? Are they not your children? You did not work full time AS WELL AS being a mum as so many have to these days,yet you were resentful of doing everything for your own children?
Hope he retires and has loads on fun. You sound very bitter

It wont be an easy ride for him,
Nagging them to get up every morning
Nagging then about homework
Uniform and sweaty P.E kit strewn accros the floor.
Lifts to everything possible
Teenagers regress in to worst ever toddler

If you have to nag them for everything you’ve failed
teach them independence and consequences
ours had there own alarm clock for secondary got themselves up let them be late and face the consequences same with homework and yes PE kit they have to take it dirty

puts them in a far better place for adulthood

I've found there is just as much, if not more admin and work required for secondary than primary. And my 14 yr old is just discovering clubs he wants to join, volunteering for his DofE on top of going out with his friends. Plus there are always trips - home and abroad- to pay for. I would be handing the reigns oveelr and making it clear it's his turn now he has capacity! You might regret not sharing the load earlier, but you can do that going foward! Truthfully, if I earned enough to live comfortably and my Husband stay at home...I would swap!

I would agree that if the DH really became a SAHP, that would take a load off OPs plate. But that's not the plan. DH plans to 'retire' and spend time on his hobbies, while OP works full time and still does everything at home and with kids.

I wouldn't say so- my workplace is composed of about 30% retired police officers.

I have an 8 year old. I keep dreaming of things getting easier. What is so hard about teenagers? enlighten me because it seems im living in the dark, as many have had the same thing. Like specifics. Is it just that they are annoying and talk back?

They aren't harder - it's one of those "you don't know you're born/ just you wait" things people say to stamp those below them back down.

I've had four teenagers at once briefly (when eldest was 19) and it was absolutely not harder than a baby who slept poorly, a two year old with me all waking hours, no longer napping in the day and up at 6am, a four year old doing half days at nursery and a six year old at school, for example.

With teenagers it's primarily worrying (which despite what someone else claimed I have not found is remotely dampened by working a 40 hour week outside the home - and combined with menopause has really hammered my sleep in a different way to toddler and babies). This is on me, it's not the teens being hard in themselves. My DH, their father, who works from home, seems not to worry in the same way - at any rate he sleeps like a proverbial baby (and a lot better than a real baby).

Otherwise teenagers need driving around until they are older teenagers who can drive themselves... They are expensive if you believe, as we do, that parents pay for driving lessons (we live somewhere where not being able to drive is incredibly limiting) and school trips and birthday and Christmas presents get more expensive, we give an allowance for clothes and expenses which is also an educational thing because they learn to budget and that's not nothing (eldest shocked me in a pleasant way by telling us recently she's glad we did this- she's just come back from a self catering holiday with same age early 20s friends who still live at home and are utterly clueless about budgeting, shopping on a budget etc. apparently). No childcare to pay for though obviously, and no babysitters needed!

Putting in the effort with the relationship and boundaries and doing some chores/ pulling his weight around the house and also boundaries, mutual respect - but especially two way communication - at your son's age and onwards will pay off when he's a teenager. It's no guarantee (always try to listen when he talks about friends and keep that channel open) but it definitely improves your odds.

Above is a good analysis.
I think with teens we do worry about them.
Mine were all academically strong and focused on doing well, never gave us any trouble at school or outside the house.
Had nice friends and were pretty good socially.
But we had Covid which was difficult for those transitioning to university.
We are those parents that collect, pay for a lot, but also insisted on the value of part time work.

Post university is also a transition that can be tricky.

You love them so much, so you find things to worry about.

As above my husband happily leaves the worrying to me, which pisses me off and causes me to be jealous in equal amounts.

But I absolutely believe that being on hand to support, guide, encourage, has made a huge difference to my children through secondary and university.

My eldest, whom I have clashed with at times a lot, lives post university in a different city.
He is doing a prestigious post graduate programme with a huge multinational, and recently told me casually, that he wouldn't have gotten through his very tough degree without my support.

Lots of students dropped out, but he somehow got through it successfully, and appreciates enormously the opportunities this is now offering him.

In my experience the parents that are very involved in their childrens education definitely reap results, particularly in the average to bright category.
Huge encouragement and support can definitely help them to meet every bit of their full potential.

TBH you sound bitter that he’s retiring! You’ve had it pretty easy working when it suits you whilst he’s been full time yet now the roles reversed “it’s not fair” ???? Nope sorry can’t feel the tiny bit ‘sorry’ or upset for you! Get over yourself

You sound like you have called great marriage and a relationship most people would be envious of. So many people here seem to be assuming that OPs dh is just going to opt out of family life including OP.

Why would you do that to your kids just to spite your husband?

This sounds like a good plan. Don't just give him a list of jobs you demand he does. You are not his boss and it would be totally inappropriate. You wouldn't have expected him to give you a list when you were a sahm.
Remember it was your choice to spend your inheritance staying at home enjoying your babies so don't be bitter. He has obviously worked hard to have a few good years enjoying what he wants before he gets to old. Of course that doesn't mean he gets out of everything.

How lovely that you were in a fortunate position to be a SAHM and enjoy all the nurturing and priceless experiences that went with that. I wasn't kind of a SAHM when my 3 boys were young as I ran my own business, however I will.be eternally grateful that I was able to be there for every single key moment of pre-school and primary - all those amazing play-dates, days out in school holidays, endless summer days in the garden, glitter heaven with craft fun at christmas, assemblies, sports days, nativity plays, extra-curricular activities (jeepers who knew there were so many to choose from!!!). Not many of my friends were able to spend anywhere near as much time with their children as they were working - mostly full-time. I feel privileged to have been able to be so present for my children's childhoods - as a single Mum I worked around naps, pre-school, school, activities and predominantly when they were in bed. Yes, I was knackered, but I chose to have children and I wanted to enjoy every minute of their younger years.
Secondary school is a whole different ball-game and I would say much more demanding and stressful as you navigate growing independence, peer pressure, puberty, more challenging school work, being a taxi service instead of sharing the parties or days out they're off to, handing out cash hand over fist, feeling like a plague of locusts have gone through the kitchen within an hour of doing the week's shop, and the worry thay comes with gradually letting go more and more as your precious cherubs grow into young adults.

But I don't think your post is actually about your children or really about being a parent. I think it's totally about how you feel about yourself, and your relationship with your husband. Why do you feel that raising the children you presumably both had has been such a chore? What did you think parenting was going to be like? Have you enjoyed it? Are you sad that your children have all now reached that milestone of the end of primary - it is a big shift in how they need parents? Please try and work this bit out as it may explain the underlying feeling you have about this current situation. Why are you so miffed at your husband? Does it matter if he does pick up a new hobby? If he's been working and providing for the family over many years, but can now afford to retire, surely that's a great thing or do you want him working until he drops? You should be a unit - it sounds rather "him and me". How can you fix this? Have you had a conversation about how you are feeling, and if so, what was his reaction?

I hope you can work through this and all be happy. And hopefully when you're a Granny like I now am, you can look back and feel so blessed that you and your children have so many shared memories of their early years. These truly are precious times and will shape so much of how your children are as adults.